The Mile You Were Afraid To Go
by FrozenClear
Summary: "How could a boy with such a bright smile look so sad? It was as though the skies were pressing down upon your shoulders." Roxiri.


Disclaimer: I own nothing.  
>_<p>

How could a boy with such a bright smile look so sad?

That's what I thought when I saw you for the first time. You smiled at me and it was a beautiful smile. But your eyes, your eyes were what held my attention. So sad, as if the weight of the world was on your shoulders. As if the skies were pressing down upon your shoulders.

I think maybe I might've been right.

It's a wonder you had the strength to keep up the act that everything was ok. But I think that maybe we made it easy for you. No one ever really wants to look past the smiles. Was it really so bad? Were we all really so blind?

I hate myself for not seeing.

But you helped me. Really, you did, because I didn't give you a second thought until that time you saved me. Do you remember that? Boys can really be so dumb, and they never listen, but you did. When those boys grabbed me and you were there, even when that guy punched you and you fought back, your eyes were the same. They were the same as the day I first met you. The sight of you fighting with those eyes was miserable. I couldn't stand it, and I asked you to stop. Screamed, more like it. And you did, just like that. You stopped and looked at me with those eyes.

I loved you then.

You slept over that same night. Your lip was bleeding and I knew you didn't want to go home and face the questions. I think that you were glad, and sort of surprised, that I just knew that you didn't want to go. I didn't mind the company. You made me realize how lonely I was, and how much lonelier you were than me.

I didn't want you to feel lonely.

I took you home and I cleaned your lip. I cleaned up your hand, too, because you had a left hook that could probably shatter bones on both sides of the punch. Your hand wasn't as hard as it looked. Your hand was almost like a child's. Your lip smiled a little when I dabbed away the blood. I don't know what it was that you were smiling about, but I'm glad that you smiled then.

Your smile made me smile, too.

You fell asleep on my bed and I didn't have the heart to move you. I didn't want you to have a troubled sleep. And I was going to sleep on my couch, I really was. But you were crying. Whatever it was that you were dreaming, whatever it was that made your eyes so sad, it was making you cry. You couldn't possibly understand how much that made me hurt for you, and want to hold you. So I did. I climbed on my bed next to you, wrapped my arms around you, and pulled you close. You buried your head in my chest and put your arms around my waist. You held on so tight I almost thought that you were awake. The tears still streamed down your cheeks, but your face had relaxed. I softly stroked you hair until I fell asleep as well.

You made me cry.

I woke up the same way I had gone to sleep. You hadn't moved, either. I knew you'd be embarrassed if you had woken up like that, so I pretended to be asleep when you woke up. I could tell you had woken up by the way that the strength in your grip slipped away like water. You slowly, slowly moved one arm at a time away from my waist, and detangled my arms from you as well. I was sorry to have you move. You slid off of the bed and I peeked an eye open as you turned toward the window. You just stared out of it for what seemed like an eternity. I 'woke up' and sat up in my bed, still feeling the cold emptiness in my arms where you had been. Then you looked at me again, and the look in your eye was strange. It was like you were deciding to put your guard up.

"Kairi," You almost whispered. "I'm sorry."

You had been apologizing for sleeping in my bed, but if you were going to apologize, it should've been about that look that you gave me, and the way that you acted towards me after that. You were never the same, and you never touched me. Not even a tap on the shoulder.

Were you so scared of feeling anything?

Eventually you did, though. Eventually you touched me and told me how much you felt for me, and how you were so used to being in pain that even good feelings felt like pain. You never said it, but I felt it. I had found you on the beach, with your shoes just close enough to get wet. It was windy. I stood there for about fifteen minutes, just trying to decide if I wanted to interrupt your thoughts or not. I guess I was selfish enough to, because I came up behind you. But I tried to be quiet, really. You almost made me jump by talking. You asked me if I had ever had a lucky charm before.

"Kairi…have you ever had something lucky?"

I hadn't. You didn't look at me for a long time. I wondered if you thought that it was stupid that I hadn't. But I pushed the feeling aside, because I had to know how you were. I _had_ to know. I asked how you were, and you said that everything was the same. I didn't say anymore because I thought you were mad. You had a small seashell in your hand. I absently thought that it was beautiful, and right after I did so, you closed you hand around it in a fist and looked up at me. You were right, nothing had changed. You looked just as sad as ever.

"Could you…keep this safe for me?

And before I could even answer you hand grabbed my right hand in your left and placed the seashell in my palm. Then you just stood there, holding my hand in both of yours. I didn't want it, to me it felt like goodbye.

I guess that's because it was.

I looked up at you and I could barely see you because my eyes watered up and I started crying. I grabbed your wrist with my free hand and held on to you like my life depended on it. That pain came back to your eyes, only it was a bit different. It was a pain that I knew I had caused. I apologized over and over. I told you that I was overreacting. I told you that I was scared.

"Why are you scared?"

And then I said in a voice clearer than I had thought I'd have, "I'm scared for you."

You stared at me for just a moment more, with your head tilted like you were a bit confused. But then you pulled me into a hug so fast that I almost could tell when you had done it. My hands slid around your waist and gripped the back of your shirt to tightly that I thought I'd tear a hole in it. You buried you head in my shoulder, almost like you had the night you slept over. You held me even tighter than you had then. I can't describe what I felt then. The overwhelming sense of safety and rightness flooded through me, but along with it came a rushing sense of fear that I had been right. You were trying to say goodbye. But I couldn't let you leave. I _couldn't_.

And at the same time I knew I couldn't stop you.

We stayed like that for a long time, didn't we? I never wanted to let you go. I never wanted to see your eyes so sad again. I was to see what they'd look like if they could match your smile. But when you pulled back, and it was you who pulled back, you looked just as sad as you always had. The seashell felt like a thorn in my hand. I slowly and very gently put my hand against your cheek. I touched the corner of your mouth with my thumb and asked you to smile a little.

It was a small smile, but the most honest smile I had ever seen. It held such honesty and truth that it almost hurt me. You said everything with it. You said that you were sorry; you said that you were scared, too, and you said that you loved me. You said that it was going to be ok, whatever happened, because life was just like that. And the smile even touched your eyes, just a bit.

I'll never forget that smile.  
>_<p> 


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